Vaccines and Autism

I've been reading about this whole issue for a while now, and I'm ready to make a statement.

Before continuing, here's some undeniable facts: I am not a professional scientist, and because of this I will refrain from stating facts! That's right, no facts, homies. Lust raw logic, just the way you like it! Mm-mmm! How? Boy, am I glad you asked!

It's a little thought experiment I like to do every once in a while that I call Schrödinger's Conspiracy. The way it works quite simple. First, I imagine I'm standing between two toddlers that are yelling at each other. Then I tell them "my dear children, how would you approach this problem if you had to assume you're both right and also wrong until until an adult straightens things up?"

In this scenario one kid is yelling "vaccines cause autism" and the other kid is yelling "no they don't!" What if they were both right and also wrong? Scientists have already observed this, but some people simply do not trust science. So let's say we will assume both are right AND wrong until observed by another scientist they can both trust (this will never happen because that's how conspiracies work).

Now that the conspiracy factor is taken care of of the equation, the dilemma becomes very simple for both sides. Choose whether or not to administer a syringe that contains a dose of mysterious chemicals that BOTH won't AND will definitely cause autism, while also protecting the patient against a disease that could kill the patient, and others around. Remember autism is not contagious, the disease is.

If you are in favor of vaccination you are saying that:

• You want to to avoid putting your child and many others at risk of illness and possibly death. You are a good person.
• You will gladly deal with an autistic child in order to avoid putting your child and many others at risk of illness and possibly death. You are a fucking hero.

If you are against vaccination you are saying that:

• You will gladly put your child and many others in danger of dying of a disease, just so you don't have to deal with autism. You are a bad person.
• You will gladly put your child and others in danger of dying of a disease for no reason. You are fucking evil.

Therefore, regardless or whether vaccines cause autism or not, if you are against vaccination you are either bad or fucking evil, whereas if you're in favor of vaccination, you're either good, or a fucking hero.

In conclusion; I could try to convince you that vaccines do not cause autism, but since I can't, I'll just ask you to stop being a selfish coward. Also, you ruined fucking Disneyland, what kind of monster are you?

This poo shall pass.

Warning: This post contains graphic depictions of potty business.

There comes a time in a man’s life when the call of nature is so strong that one must break free of any comfort zones and venture into the darkest of places: the public restroom. It’s a known fact that one must be cautious in these environments in order not to become diseased. However, the truth is that the entire process would be a lot easier and safer for all of us if everybody stopped being so stupid about it.

Consider this: How often is a public restroom cleaned? How often do you thoroughly clean YOUR bathroom? The first fact of the day is that a properly maintained public restroom is probably cleaner than its domestic counterpart. If you don’t trust the maintenance workers maybe it’s because you know you’d leave behind a mess that you wouldn’t clean up yourself even if you were paid to.

The first step for cleaner bathrooms would be for owners to provide sanitizing wipes rather than those waxed toilet seat liners. The only thing stupider than one of those is when someone uses toilet paper to line the seat. Then they proceed to bend the laws of physics in order to sit down without moving it. I guess they’re pretty confident that it won’t fall in the water and slowly wick the water towards their unsuspecting behinds. What makes them think these liners are sterile, anyway? Are they aware that after each and every flush there are hundreds of drops of toilet water splashed all over the stall (including the TP roll and that liner dispenser)? Of course, now that you're all done, the liner is too gross for you to dispose of properly. Hopefully it’ll eventually get tired of being there and hop into the toilet all by itself when you're not looking.

Then there are those who are way smarter than that, they know liners don’t work. Yep, I’m talking about those douchebags that will somehow get their #2 all over the place but the toilet to avoid sitting down. I guess they believe they can somehow aim their torpedoes from any distance. People who think like this should die of constipation. Think of the employee that is going to have to clean up after you! I swear if I ever find myself in that situation I will quit on the spot. Screw it.

Back to the TP subject, did you know this kind of tissue is designed to be water-soluble? What I’m trying to say is: you’re supposed to flush it (no, it’s not going to clog the toilet, and if it does, then the owner of the building should upgrade their plumbing)! Doesn’t depositing your poo in the garbage bin defeat the purpose of indoor plumbing? You might as well just go in the garbage bin!

I guess all of these principles apply to #1 as well. Even when there are urinals, there’s always the one shy dude that needs to lock up in case he breaks into dance (that would explain the mess) in the middle of his business.

In the end, it’s all a vicious cycle of people that make the bathroom scary because they’re scared of it. Think about it. Keep some sanitizing wipes with you and wash your hands thoroughly when you’re done. Simple.

Update:
Looks like I'm not the only one worried about this subject!

• Adam Carolla Explains Proper Bathroom Etiquette (VIDEO)
• A letter from Oatmeal to the world's crappers.

I want proof, not leads!

Warning: This post is a follow-up to the previous. Reading is highly recommended for context.

It’s funny how I mentioned not having to do homework, yet, I found myself spending the entire day doing homework. Not because I wanted to, though. I had to make up for some stuff I hadn’t done for college, history class, to be exact. So there I was half-assing the whole thing when the subject of “Creationism VS Darwinism” came up.

The first thing that struck me is that those were the names used for the two parts. Even though both insist the expression is wrong. I read more about it but there was not much I didn’t know, or needed to know. I had been thinking of a follow-up to that post since I posted it. That was a very busy day and I had no time to sit and think of a proper analogy to convey my logic. I’ve had enough time now. Please, consider this chain of events:

1. Bob tells Timmy at school that his mom told him his dad made his little sister out of sugar and spice.
2. Timmy decides to further investigate, and discovers Bob’s sister is made of neither.
3. Timmy and his friends analyze this and come to the conclusion that Bob’s father does not exist.

This is an exaggerated way to explain it, so that it is even more obvious. What happened back at the days of Darwin was not unlike this schoolyard tale. Then, mankind in general had decided to explore the universe around it, and to seek understanding beyond what had been taught to them, mostly by the church. Those were times of religious wars, Inquisitions, witch hunts and such. One day, this great man discovered what he called evolution… he explained how creatures would adapt to their surroundings over the generations until a new species was born, and eventually, how man had done the same.

1. The church taught Darwin that God made Man out of dirt.
2. He investigated further and discovered man as not made of dirt.
3. The masses analyzed this and came to the conclusion that God does not exist.

What went wrong there? Let’s go back to the schoolyard. Timmy’s discovery was one of great value. And I’m pretty sure Bob figured out his mom lied, or at least was mistaken. Maybe his dad lied, or was mistaken. If Bob and Timmy sat down and discussed this they would probably end up talking to Bob’s mom. Bob’s mom would either tell the truth, if she was lying, or if she was mistaken she’d tell Bob to ask his father. Let’s suppose Bob’s mom was actually convinced her husband had said the truth. Bob’s dad is in a country far away. What would be the next logical step for Bob and Timmy? Set out on a quest to find Bob’s magical baby-making powers? Sure, Bob would eventually grow up and make his own children, but he has no proof his dad could not have used sugar and spice, and this troubles him.

I’ve heard people making fun of Ben “the shiznit” Stein’s expression “Lightning striking a mud puddle”. Have they not figured out that is what Darwinists are telling the masses? “We know man evolved from apes, and apes evolved from Jurassic tadpoles, but that’s all we know, therefore your God does not exist”.

Where did these… Jurassic tadpoles or whatever-the-lowest-species-known-to-mankind-is-called-thingies came from? Where did this world, capable of sustaining life come from? Did it just appear out of nowhere? How come it is so perfect? Even if time and space are infinite, the odds of this just happening are overwhelmed by the odds of the whole thing being destroyed before it was finished! This crap used to keep me awake all night as a kid.

Science will never be able to deny the existence of God, because of his Godly nature. Science may one day prove the existence of God, if, say, God one day decided to appear in Oprah.

This is where the argument ends. Timmy will continue to research, while Bob will actually write his dad every day, hoping for an answer. Timmy and Bob hang out after school and go to the arcades. Mr. Scientist, please, I beg you, continue your research. Mr. Believer, keep on praying, maybe one day God will show up.

The conclusion, based on simple schoolyard logic (I make myself giggle sometimes) is that the terms "creationist" and "darwinist" are inappropriate, that there is - or should - not be such "points of view" and that both are neither opposite, parallel or perpendicular.

I find your faith (or lack thereof) disturbing.

"It takes a great deal of faith to believe the stuff scientists can come up with." - 201d

If I'm ever going to be quoted, I'd like it to be that way. Allow me to elaborate. A documentary film titled "Expelled" has been recently brought to my attention. I haven't had a chance to research the subject much, but that's the beauty of logic. Logic does not require research. If you want to claim wisdom, knowledge, maybe even intelligence, sure, you got to do your homework. But cold hard logic is a yes or no thing. Logic gives me a boner. You can quote me on that too.

The essence of the debate brought forth by Ben “Teh Shiznit” Stein is that educational institutions have been banning scientists who have proposed Intelligent Design as an alternative to Darwinism. What happened was that a horde of angry scientists, atheists and all kinds of ists grabbed their torch-and-pitchfork™ emergency kits and went out on a hunt. “Creationist propaganda” they call it, and they point their fingers at it with anger.

Now I ask you, my beloved reader, what about the “Darwinist propaganda” that has been shoved down our throats since childhood, sponsored by taxpayer funds? What happened to the separation of church and state? Why are my children forced to believe in the theory of evolution?

Yes, my friends, I’ve said theory. It’s not my job to look it up for you. Mind you, that I never said Creation is an absolute truth. It is a concept of religion, myth, or even legend, if you will. And it’s therefore of no consequence for me to convey which I find most appealing.

As a natural born problem solver, I propose you go see this documentary. However you must unlearn what you have been taught. Nobody has been able to scientifically prove neither of these theories. By watching it you shall be entertained by Ben “Teh Shiznit” Stein’s antics, and you might learn a thing about both “sides”; neither has a clue on what’s going on, and that drives them mad.

If this story had a happy ending, it would be like this:

• Darwinist: “You, sir, are an idiot!”
• Creationist: “No! You are!”
• Darwinist: “You have no clue of what you’re talking about!”
• Creationist: “Neither do you!”
• (Awkward silence)
• Darwinist: “Yeah…”
• Creationist: “So, um, wanna go for some ice cream?”
• Darwinist: “ICE CREAM! YAY!”

Did you know...?

...that most headaches are caused by dehydration? Look it up, it’s quite fascinating. No wonder all those painkillers tell you to drink it with a full glass of water!

So next time you have a headache, have a tall glass of water and skip the pills. You probably don’t need all those chemicals in your body anyway.