Monday, September 2, 2013

Clever 201d

Whenever I do homework with my children I die a little. I silently weep for our future.

Every time they look at me with blank eyes and say "I don't know" like I was there in the classroom and I'm supposed to know what they're talking about. I look at the instructions provided by the teachers looking for an answer and it's clear their intention is never to teach, only to judge. Their job is to measure a child's value as human beings on a scale of A to F.

It sickens me.

The education system does not need to be fixed. It doesn't need to be modernized. It doesn't need to change. It needs to be abolished.

Sure, there are some rare cases of teachers who care a bit, but they care for the group, not the individual. There is no love. Shoving all these kids in a classroom with an adult that does not give a shit about them is insane. If you've ever been bullied you'll understand. I was a victim of bullying, and I'm not talking everyday teasing and mockery celebrities are “fighting against” nowadays. Never take bullying advice from someone who’s beautiful and talented! I'm talking of scheduled beatings and humiliation. Why? Was it because I was the new kid? Was I perceived as weak? Nah, it was all simply because nobody gave a fuck about my well-being. My friends ran away or turned against me. When I got home my parents were too busy to do anything about it. Maybe once or twice they showed up in school, but there's nothing they could have done by then. Who is going to learn shit when they’re spending class thinking of an escape route? No way, man; every classroom is its own little “lord of the flies.”

Under natural circumstances a child is taught all they need to know by their immediate family and the community. The child is surrounded by children, but also of caring adults. They need to learn what it’s like to be an adult by observing adults, not children! This is where they pick their role models and start to figure out what their role in life is going to be, until one day they decide; “I want to be a farmer” or a blacksmith, or a hunter…

Whatever happened to apprenticeship? You know, when a youth learns to make a living. Schools only teach us to take tests only so we can take more tests! At least that’s all I learned! I found out I had ADD when I was in my thirties, there was no medication, no special ed., and no support from my parents. I never turned in any homework. I doodled during class, yet I did ok until high school. How? Have you heard of Clever Hans? This damned horse could do math! Well, it turns out it was just good at doing tests! Look it up, it’s fascinating! To this day I pride myself of being able to see the “matrix code” within a test, and to select the correct answer, not by knowing it’s correct, but by knowing what the teacher wants.

Without further ado, this is what you need to be a successful student.

  1. There’s usually four options to a multiple choice question, two are similar, but completely wrong, then one is right, and one is wrong but very similar to the right one. Read all the questions in the test and you will have enough of a context to discard the two wrong options.
  2. Look at the remaining two, find the difference between them and reverse engineer the answer into a question, always keeping in mind the teacher is trying to trick you. You know how you can get across a maze (unless it’s done by a pro) by starting at the exit? It’s the same thing.
  3. When in doubt choose the third option, unless there’s “all of the above”, in that case pick that.
  4. Fill-in-the-blanks questions ALWAYS answer themselves.
  5. Answer essay questions like it’s a beauty pageant: By making a long sentence using ALL the words in the question.

If you follow these steps you should be able to get a perfect score on a poorly done test and a decent grade on more elaborate ones. This technique should be enough to get you through high school. Then you’re fucked in college because their teachers are pros. Then go observe some adults flipping burgers and adopt one as your role model.