Monday, February 2, 2015

Vaccines and Autism

I've been reading about this whole issue for a while now, and I'm ready to make a statement.

Before continuing, here's some undeniable facts: I am not a professional scientist, and because of this I will refrain from stating facts! That's right, no facts, homies. Lust raw logic, just the way you like it! Mm-mmm! How? Boy, am I glad you asked!

It's a little thought experiment I like to do every once in a while that I call Schrödinger's Conspiracy. The way it works quite simple. First, I imagine I'm standing between two toddlers that are yelling at each other. Then I tell them "my dear children, how would you approach this problem if you had to assume you're both right and also wrong until until an adult straightens things up?"

In this scenario one kid is yelling "vaccines cause autism" and the other kid is yelling "no they don't!" What if they were both right and also wrong? Scientists have already observed this, but some people simply do not trust science. So let's say we will assume both are right AND wrong until observed by another scientist they can both trust (this will never happen because that's how conspiracies work).

Now that the conspiracy factor is taken care of of the equation, the dilemma becomes very simple for both sides. Choose whether or not to administer a syringe that contains a dose of mysterious chemicals that BOTH won't AND will definitely cause autism, while also protecting the patient against a disease that could kill the patient, and others around. Remember autism is not contagious, the disease is.

If you are in favor of vaccination you are saying that:
  • You want to to avoid putting your child and many others at risk of illness and possibly death. You are a good person.
  • You will gladly deal with an autistic child in order to avoid putting your child and many others at risk of illness and possibly death. You are a fucking hero.
If you are against vaccination you are saying that:
  • You will gladly put your child and many others in danger of dying of a disease, just so you don't have to deal with autism. You are a bad person.
  • You will gladly put your child and others in danger of dying of a disease for no reason. You are fucking evil.
Therefore, regardless or whether vaccines cause autism or not, if you are against vaccination you are either bad or fucking evil, whereas if you're in favor of vaccination, you're either good, or a fucking hero.

In conclusion; I could try to convince you that vaccines do not cause autism, but since I can't, I'll just ask you to stop being a selfish coward. Also, you ruined fucking Disneyland, what kind of monster are you?
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