What Google knows about me

As the dust clouds left by the Great Google Buzz Snafu of 2010 (an actual historic event) fades and the hate posts from blogs across the world begin to diminish I stumbled upon an ad banner that made me want to write about Google too.

Now, before I continue, a few points must be made clear:

1. I love Google
2. I do not wish to have my Gmail, Blogger, YouTube, Picasa, Reader, Wish list, Google Docs or Google Calendar deleted
3. I would die of any of these are deleted
4. I do not think Google is an evil corporation trying to take over the world
5. If at any point Google decides to take its rightful place as ruler of humanity I will not join the imminent rebellion
6. I love Google

At first I thought I’d stay clear of this trend of criticizing Google after the Buzz screw-up, then I thought I’d join in, then I got distracted and forgot about it. If you were not following, what happened was that Google decided to add an entire social network to every Gmail account, and to incorporate the use of every other Google product to this system. If you ask me, it was a very clever idea. The only problem is the way it was implemented. Suddenly everybody had a Buzz account, their friends were selected for them, and lots of information about them shared with these new “friends”. Lots of people went berserk over how, suddenly, because they send a lot of emails to their boss, Google decided their boss wanted to know what they’d been watching on Google Reader. I’d flipped out too if it weren’t for the fact that I don’t email a lot of people. Well, in the end Google realized their mistake, apologized, and fixed it.

Right after this incident, lots of upset users started venting their views on Google’s apparent information monopoly. This is because how Buzz exposed a lot of information about ourselves that many thought was unrelated. Suddenly people realized how much they’ve told Google about themselves throughout all these years. Many panicked, and the truth is that it is a little scary.

Google knows who you email and what you’ve sent them. Google knows what you search for on the internet, and how much you like what you like. Google knows what you do for a living and what you do for fun. Google knows all of your ailments (like when you searched “explosive diarrhea”) and exactly what kind of porn you like best. Google knows you.

My question is: What’s wrong with that? Hey, if Google’s going to post an ad banner (which is what pays for all those free websites you visit) at least it posts something relevant! Google also uses this knowledge to fine-tune your search results. It’s all really awesome. What if it knows what kind of video games I like? That just makes it easier to me to search for video games!

Second, you have to realize, Google is an it, not a he, she or a them. It’s a computerized system. Sure, it’s run by people, but don’t expect to have a human being on the other side of your monitor furiously writing your deepest secrets on a scratch pad. That’s just silly. It’s also silly to assume that Google gives a damn about your darkest secrets. It’s not like the company’s CEO occasionally prints your statistics and shows them to his friends to have a good laugh. It’s not like these statistics can even be printed in a readable format.

There are only two things you should worry about. I shall discuss them even when they are already covered by common sense:

The first is the risk of this data being hacked. Hey, it can happen! Just make sure not to share vital information over the internet, not just Google. Never share your password nor make it anything obvious (and if it’s by any chance “12345” please slap yourself). Follow basic Internet security guidelines and the possibility of your stuff being broken into roughly the same of your house being broken into, you know, where you keep all that delicate information.

The second is mistakes like the implementation of Buzz. To prevent this, well, don’t post anything on the Internet that you would not say in public and adhere to the “nothing nice to say” policy. If you REALLY need to remain anonymous, create separate accounts for those uses and do not use your real name.

See, it’s all common sense, like I said. You can’t expect the Internet to be perfect, after all, its run by humans.

After much deliberation I have linked my actual name to this “201d” persona. Simply put: I may not have much to show, but I have nothing to hide. I am aware a Google search for my real name can lead to thinks I have posted as 201d, and vice versa. I don’t really care.

All this is only to present a setting to the real issue of my post: Why does Google think I’m gay? If Google is supposed to show only relevant ads, why do I only get ads for Gay dating services? Honestly, guys, do I look gay? I promise I will never wear those pants again, it was laundry day and I had nothing else to wear, I swear. Is it maybe because my daughters had been searching for Jonas Brothers pictures without me logging off? If so, so help me God, they’ll be grounded for life, I tell ya.

I just hope the Google Bot crawls trough this page and reads this:

I am a heterosexual male currently married to a heterosexual female. I am not interested in dating, period. I have been feeding you information for over a decade now, and I honestly expected you to get this one bit of information right. Please fix it.

Thanks for reading.